dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
