Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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