you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
