How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
