She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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