I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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