i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
