And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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