Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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