i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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