I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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