I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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