You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
