I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
