I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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