every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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