the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
