i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
