My liver just broke up with me...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
