There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
