I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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