I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
