I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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