just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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