I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
