your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
