Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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