i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
