I'm really into asian looking animals
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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