i wish my penis had a tongue
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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