After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize