Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
