She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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