I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
