the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
