she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize