Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
