You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
