Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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