i permit you to call me
My first STD was from a foam party
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize