He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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