you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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