thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
