Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
