the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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