Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
