I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
