Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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