i already hear my dad disowning me
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
