Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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