dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
please don't ironically join a cult
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