Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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