Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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