marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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