1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
