if you like me you must not know who I am
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
