There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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