oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
