On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No more Irish car bombs ever.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
