Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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