it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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