I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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